Overheard on the Bus…

I get to the bus stop, having just missed the bus.  I’m going to be late for work.  Already my face is crumpled up and I’ve only been outside for 4 minutes. 15 minutes later, the bus shows up.  I pay the bus driver £1.80.  He gives me a 90p fare.  I make a huffy noise at him, roll my eyes and plod off.  I sit down.  I’m stuck behind a lady with dirty hair, beside a man wearing too much fake tan, within eye-shot of a very stylish old woman and in front of a wee boy who’s riding the bus with his mother.

By the time I got off the bus in town, I’d laughed, I’d cried, I’d laughed so hard I cried.

Small Boy:  “Mum, are we going to the toy shop?  Can I get a robot?  Mum, if you met an alien would you shake his hand?  Or would you run away?”

Mum:  “We can maybe go to the toy shop later.”

Small Boy:  “Can I get a Transformer?  One that turns into a truck?  One of the expensive ones?”

Mum:  “I hope it’s not expensive.  Do you play with the other one you got?”

Small Boy:  “Yes”.

Mum:  “Are you sure?”

Small Boy:  “Yes.  I play with it all day, all day, all day, all day”.

Mum:  ” Are you sure?”

Small Boy:  “Granny moved the toy box closer to the couch.  Am I going to after-school care tomorrow?”

Mum:  “No.  I don’t think so.  Why did granny move your toy box?”

Small Boy:  “If a bad guy tries to take me away, I’ll just say, ‘No!  No, no, no’.  Won’t I, mum?”

Mum:  “Yes.  That’s right.  You just say, ‘No.  I don’t think so.'”

Small Boy:  “And if the bad guy tries to hold my hand…”

Mum:  “You bite his hand as hard as you can and then you run away.”

Small Boy:  “I’ll bite his hand?  As hard as I can?  I’ll bite his hand as hard as I can and then I’ll tell a policeman.  Should I tell a policeman, Mum?  If I see one?”

Mum:  “Yes.  You run away and you tell a policeman”.

Small Boy:  “When I tell the policeman, the bad guy will run away”.

Mum:  “The policeman will chase him and catch him and put him in prison”.

Small Boy:  “What is prison for?”

Mum:  “It’s for bad guys.”

Small Boy:  “Are there cages in prison?”

Mum:  “Yes”.

Small Boy:  “How many cages are in there?”

Mum:  “Too many.  There are too many bad guys in this world.”

Small Boy:  “And too many good guys?”

Mum:  “Hm”.

Small Boy:  “The man that was shouting.  Was he a bad guy?  Why do they do those kinds of things?”

Mum:  “Because they have problems.”

Small Boy:  “Can you tell God anything, Mum?”

Mum:  “If you like.”

Small Boy:  “Can you say a bad word to God?”

Mum:  ” You don’t say a bad word to anyone.”

Small Boy:  “Can God see me?”

Mum:  “I’m not sure about that.”

Small Boy:  “Do you believe in God?”

Mum:  “Sometimes”.

Small Boy:  “You believe in him sometimes but then sometimes you don’t believe in him?”

Mum:  “Hm.”

Small Boy: “God won’t be happy with you , Mum.”

Mum:  “Did your Granny tell you that?”

Small Boy:  “Mum, what do you do in your uni?”

Mum:  “I study.”

Small Boy:  “And what do you do in the gym?”

Mum:  “I exercise”.

Small Boy:  “Are you going to the gym now?”

Mum:  “No.  I’m not going to the gym now.”

Small Boy:  “Why not?”

Mum:  “Because of the baby.  I’m too tired”.

Small Boy:  “Is it because the baby won’t get a good sleep?”

Mum:  “Yes.”

Small Boy:  “Will the baby be very angry with you?  Because you’re moving this way and then moving that way?”

Mum:  “Yes.”

Small Boy:  “Mum, will the baby fit in your mouth?  Who’s going to take me to school tomorrow?”

Mum:  “What?”

Small Boy:  “When I’m a girl, I’m going to have a baby”.

Mum:  “You are a boy.  Boys don’t have babies.  Only girls have babies.”

Small Boy:  “No. Only boys have babies.  Mum, I think I can feel my tooth moving”.

One thought on “Overheard on the Bus…”

  1. Oh, so glad you mentioned it, I didn’t know this existed! Brilliant! Great wee piece of writing. I have had many conversations JUST LIKE THIS in my 16 years of parenthood…

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